Post something Funny
03-31-2009, 02:04 PM
#1
Tech Fanatic
Thread Starter
Post something Funny
How the fight started.......... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
___________________________________________
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
___________________________________________
03-31-2009, 02:08 PM
#2
Poop!
03-31-2009, 06:50 PM
#3
Tech Adept
iTrader: (3)
Originally Posted by jubilee
Poop!
Here is mine.
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
03-31-2009, 07:24 PM
#4
Tech Fanatic
Thread Starter
That was great LOL....
IB..
IB..
03-31-2009, 07:26 PM
#5
Subject: PHONE REPAIR
> Subject: PHONE REPAIR
>
> PHONE REPAIR
> Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
>
> A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
> telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
> occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
> phone rang.
>
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
> test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
>
> The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
> telephone began to ring.
>
> Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
>
> 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
> chain and collar.
>
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
>
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
> was called.
>
> 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> urinate.
>
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
> ring.
>
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
> moaning.
>
> Thought you'd like to know
>
> PHONE REPAIR
> Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
>
> A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
> telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
> occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
> phone rang.
>
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
> test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
>
> The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
> telephone began to ring.
>
> Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
>
> 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
> chain and collar.
>
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
>
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
> was called.
>
> 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> urinate.
>
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
> ring.
>
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
> moaning.
>
> Thought you'd like to know
03-31-2009, 09:29 PM
#7
As a husband and wife are getting ready for bed, the man (not quite ready for slumber) calls to his wife "Hey my little honey bunny. Your hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bed yet". The wife takes the hint and heads over to the bed. On her way over she trips on a lump in the carpet falls flat on her face. The husband jumps up and exlains in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they do their thing. Afterwards, the wife goes off to use the restroom, trips on the same lump in the carpet and falls flat on her face once again. Her husbands looks over while still in bed and grunts "Dumb bitch".
03-31-2009, 09:37 PM
#8
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says. “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?'
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says. “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?'
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
03-31-2009, 09:43 PM
#9
Something funny!
Granpa 1.0
Granpa 1.0
03-31-2009, 09:45 PM
#10
Subject: Church Bulletin BLOOPERS
Subject: Church Bulletin BLOOPERS
> > Thought you might get a kick out of some of these...
> >
> > These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church
> > bulletins or
> > were announced in church services:
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
> > chance to get rid of those
> > things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
> > husbands.
> > --------------------------
> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> > Smile at someone
> > --------------------------
> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> > --------------------------
> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
> > in the church.
> > So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> > --------------------------
> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> > 'What Is Hell?'
> > Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> > --------------------------
> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
> > addition of several
> > new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> > --------------------------
> > Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items
> > to be recycled.
> > Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> > --------------------------
> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> > deceased person
> > you want remembered.
> > --------------------------
> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> > follow.
> > --------------------------
> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> > kind. They may be
> > seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> > --------------------------
> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> > park across from
> > the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
> > All ladies are
> > invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is
> > done.
> > --------------------------
> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
> > Congregation would lend
> > him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
> > Sunday.
> > --------------------------
> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> > Please use the
> > back door.
> > --------------------------
> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
> > Hamlet in the Church
> > basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
> > attend this
> > tragedy.
> > --------------------------
> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
> > Church. Please
> > use large double door at the side entrance.
> > --------------------------
> > Thought you might get a kick out of some of these...
> >
> > These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church
> > bulletins or
> > were announced in church services:
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
> > chance to get rid of those
> > things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
> > husbands.
> > --------------------------
> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> > Smile at someone
> > --------------------------
> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> > --------------------------
> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
> > in the church.
> > So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> > --------------------------
> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> > 'What Is Hell?'
> > Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> > --------------------------
> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
> > addition of several
> > new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> > --------------------------
> > Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items
> > to be recycled.
> > Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> > --------------------------
> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> > deceased person
> > you want remembered.
> > --------------------------
> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> > follow.
> > --------------------------
> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> > kind. They may be
> > seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> > --------------------------
> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> > park across from
> > the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
> > All ladies are
> > invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is
> > done.
> > --------------------------
> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
> > Congregation would lend
> > him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
> > Sunday.
> > --------------------------
> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> > Please use the
> > back door.
> > --------------------------
> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
> > Hamlet in the Church
> > basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
> > attend this
> > tragedy.
> > --------------------------
> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
> > Church. Please
> > use large double door at the side entrance.
> > --------------------------
03-31-2009, 10:00 PM
#11
Turner Brown
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown"
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you? ? ? ? ?
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big
dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. . . . . I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn
Around'
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown"
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you? ? ? ? ?
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big
dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. . . . . I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn
Around'
03-31-2009, 11:08 PM
#12
Originally Posted by Losi Chaser
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown"
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you? ? ? ? ?
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big
dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. . . . . I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn
Around'
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at
him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound
testicles, Turner Brown"
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you? ? ? ? ?
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big
dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. . . . . I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn
Around'
03-31-2009, 11:28 PM
#13
Tech Fanatic
Thread Starter
04-01-2009, 10:49 AM
#14
A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender says "Hey pal, why the long face"
Horse says "Bone Cancer"
Bartender says "Hey pal, why the long face"
Horse says "Bone Cancer"
04-01-2009, 10:56 AM
#15
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, ‘You need a piece of tail.’
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, ‘You need a piece of tail.’
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’
