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Old 10-05-2017, 10:33 AM
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Talking jokes!

hey guys i just wanted a thread for telling jokes so tell your jokes here!
i have 2 jokes:
#1 integy makes the strongest things
#2 its a joke about paper but i should not tell it because its tear-able
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Old 10-05-2017, 01:34 PM
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a skeleton walks in to a bar and asked for a beer and a mop
a termite goes in to a bar and asked is the bartender here
3 guys walk in to a bar...1 ducks
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Old 10-05-2017, 03:56 PM
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This is kinda cool.
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Old 10-09-2017, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by skinned View Post
a skeleton walks in to a bar and asked for a beer and a mop
a termite goes in to a bar and asked is the bartender here
3 guys walk in to a bar...1 ducks
i dont get the 2nd and 3rd jokes
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Old 10-09-2017, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by broitsseth View Post
i dont get the 2nd and 3rd jokes
come on...think about it for a minute
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Old 10-09-2017, 05:43 PM
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i thaught about it for about 10 minuets i just dont get it
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Old 10-09-2017, 10:14 PM
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How do you catch a unique rabbit???? unique up on it

And I finally got the termite joke now that's funny
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:03 AM
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Chuck Norris once went to The Virgin Islands. When he came back, they were just The Islands.

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes.

Chuck Norris knows Victorias Secret.

Chuck Norris was the first choice to play the lead role in The Terminator, then they realized that this would make the movie a documentary.

Chuck Norris once got pulled over for speeding. The cop gave himself a warning.

Originally in The Bible Jesus was clean-shaven. Chuck went back in time, became the fourth Wise Man, and gave Jesus The Gift of Beard.

Chuck Norris traded his soul to The Devil in exchange for his good looks and martial arts prowess. Chuck then roundhouse-kicked The Devil and took his soul back. The Devil was impressed by this duplicity and came to admire his devious logic. The Devil is now a regular attendee of Chuck's monthly poker night.
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:18 AM
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Might be a Redneck:

If your uncles cell number has nothing to do with a telephone...
You might be a redneck.

If you have ever eaten meat that was once technically roadkill...
You might be a redneck.

If you intentionally trained your dog to bark at your mother in law... (I don't know about the 'trained' part but my uncle wasn't exactly scolding the dog)
You might be a redneck.

If your clothes iron burnt out so now you warm it up your foreman grill... (I saw this in person)
You might be a redneck.

If you habitually stole rolls of toilet paper from public restrooms because you thought it was funny. (You know who you are!)
You might be a redneck.

If you ever called the county judge "dawg" during your trial... (happens a lot, actually)
You might be a redneck.

If you are on a first-name basis with the local bail bondsmen...
You might be a redneck.

If you learned to tune a carburetor before you learned to read...
You might be a redneck.

If you can tell which of your neighbors is out hunting by the sound of their rifle...
You might be a redneck.

If it takes you more than two tries to dial a long-distance number correctly...
You might be a redneck.

If your son got detention for loudly belching during an elementary school play...
You might be a redneck.

If you still occasionally open the wrong end of the cereal box...
You might be a redneck.
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Old 10-11-2017, 03:58 AM
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I heard from a guy who said he saw it that
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by DesertRat View Post
Might be a Redneck:
If you ever called the county judge "dawg" during your trial... (happens a lot, actually)
You might be a redneck.
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by broitsseth View Post
i dont get the 2nd and 3rd jokes
lets rephrase this 3rd one:

2 guys walk into a bar....the 3rd one ducks....
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:31 PM
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This is a little long but it's worth it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$xxxe!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, your an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

Now I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:49 PM
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The termite joke is just plain bad..... Almost to the point you don't get it
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Old 10-13-2017, 09:18 PM
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Q: whats pre-discontinued and has no parts support?

A: TAMIYAS!

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