How the fight started.......... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
> Subject: PHONE REPAIR
>
> PHONE REPAIR
> Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
>
> A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
> telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
> occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
> phone rang.
>
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
> test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
>
> The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
> telephone began to ring.
>
> Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
>
> 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
> chain and collar.
>
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
>
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
> was called.
>
> 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> urinate.
>
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
> ring.
>
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
> moaning.
>
> Thought you'd like to know
__________________
B4, T4, T3, T2, Mini-T, Micro-T, RC18T, Mini Slider, SC10, and a Kyosho Lazer FS
As a husband and wife are getting ready for bed, the man (not quite ready for slumber) calls to his wife "Hey my little honey bunny. Your hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bed yet". The wife takes the hint and heads over to the bed. On her way over she trips on a lump in the carpet falls flat on her face. The husband jumps up and exlains in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they do their thing. Afterwards, the wife goes off to use the restroom, trips on the same lump in the carpet and falls flat on her face once again. Her husbands looks over while still in bed and grunts "Dumb bitch".
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says. “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?'
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
> > Thought you might get a kick out of some of these...
> >
> > These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church
> > bulletins or
> > were announced in church services:
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
> > chance to get rid of those
> > things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
> > husbands.
> > --------------------------
> > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> > Smile at someone
> > --------------------------
> > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> > --------------------------
> > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
> > in the church.
> > So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> > --------------------------
> > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
> > 'What Is Hell?'
> > Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> > --------------------------
> > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
> > addition of several
> > new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> > --------------------------
> > Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items
> > to be recycled.
> > Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> > --------------------------
> > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
> > deceased person
> > you want remembered.
> > --------------------------
> > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
> > follow.
> > --------------------------
> > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
> > kind. They may be
> > seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> > --------------------------
> > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
> > park across from
> > the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> > --------------------------
> > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
> > All ladies are
> > invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is
> > done.
> > --------------------------
> > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
> > Congregation would lend
> > him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
> > Sunday.
> > --------------------------
> > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
> > Please use the
> > back door.
> > --------------------------
> > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
> > Hamlet in the Church
> > basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
> > attend this
> > tragedy.
> > --------------------------
> > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
> > Church. Please
> > use large double door at the side entrance.
> > --------------------------
__________________
B4, T4, T3, T2, Mini-T, Micro-T, RC18T, Mini Slider, SC10, and a Kyosho Lazer FS
__________________
Nature, scientifically comprehended and mastered, reappears in the technical apparatus of production and destruction which sustains and improves the life of the individuals while subordinating them to the masters of the apparatus.
-Marcuse
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, ‘You need a piece of tail.’
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’
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